Jason Statham Never Dies

What was the name of Jason Statham's character in The Transporter? What about Crank? What about Death Race?

The correct answer is "Who Cares". (I also would have accepted "Who Cares Johnson" or "Who Cares Esq.")

The reason it doesn't matter is that no matter what the character's name, Jason Statham plays Jason Statham, and Jason Statham is actually the characters he plays.

You see, Jason Statham was born in the distant past, and is an immortal (quite possibly of the same type featured in Highlander). At first, he was known as "Farmer", but when his village was threatened, he teamed up with Matthew Lillard and defeated the evil King Burt Reynolds, restoring peace to the land.

Unfortunately, nothing interesting happened to him for a number of centuries. But, eventually, he got involved with the Chick From Deep Blue Sea, who drew him into a bank robbery plot - so that she could set him up. Things got pretty hairy for him then, so he changed his name to "Bacon" and got involved in London's criminal underworld, where he spent a few years getting involved in various misadventures under a series of pseudonyms.

Around this time, a second Jason Statham, known as "Evan Funsch" traversed the barriers between parallel worlds and got involved in the criminal underworld of L.A.. He ended up getting shot and decided that it would be smart to have an "in" with the law, so he joined the police force.

Meanwhile, Jason Statham I moved to mainland Europe and started a career as a wheelman, transporting things for anybody who could afford his fees. He becomes a big CSI: Miami fan, and figures that Miami is the place to be, so he moves there.

Jason Statham II, Evan Funsch had a tricky time in Vancouver, so he moved back to L.A. to become a video game programmer. Unfortunately, there were no game programmer positions available, so he became a hitman and got poisoned by this Chinese guy. Luckily, Jason Statham II is just as immortal as Jason Statham I, so he doesn't die. Though, his "Immortal Heart" gets stolen from him, and he's forced to get it back or something probably.

Statham I figures it would be cool to be in the FBI, so he joins-up, but he gets shot in the back, which totally sucks even when you're immortal, so he goes back to France and restarts his wheelman job.

Next year, Jason Statham I gets involved in a heist in South America.

After this, a few decades will pass before the two Jason Stathams get in trouble again. Statham I will be ensnared in a Death Race, and Statham II will end up working as a "Chief Transportation Expert" on Mars, before getting killed by martian zombie headbangers, when they seperate his head from his neck, releasing his quickening.

Luckily, our universe will still have Jason Statham I, who will live for millenia to come, and who will hold The Scion Of Peace at the final meeting of the Council Of Galactic Powers, heralding the coming Age Of Gold, when all will become one, and one will become all.

Long live Statham.