Toy Recalls

Many children's toys are recalled every year. It can be difficult for parents to keep up with recall announcements. So, as a public service, here is a list of the most recent toys recalled and the reasons behind their recall.

My Pet Rattlesnake (contains Black Widow Spiders)

My Pet Black Widow Spider (contains sarin gas)

“Fake Rock”, Made From Realistic Looking Foam (actually a 12lb jagged rock)

Baby's First Candy Store (candy store playset contained incredibly realistic plastic candy that contained black widow spiders)

Hypo, Your Hypodermic Friend (bursts into flames when in direct sunlight)

Bhavika, The Ancient One (was actually the larval form of the spawn of “Bhavala-Ka” an ancient chaos monster)

Cell-Phones

Modern cell-phones are so advanced that not even the people designing them know all the things they can do that could make their lives easier if they only spent the forty-eight or so months learning the mechanics of each application's feature set. If you have a modern cell-phone, then you could for example, just by a series of taps (22 to be precise) have a pizza delivered to anywhere in Southwestern Kansas.

The cellular networks are now so well interconnected that anyone in the world with a cell-phone is just a call away, providing that both parties are simply standing within the approximately 4% of populated land on Earth with cell-network coverage.

The list of things you can do with your phone goes on and on...

You can; Use your phone as a television remote control for the virtual TV in your phone. Receive text-messages updating you on traffic conditions in your area. Tweet 9-1-1 from the wreckage of the vehicle you crashed when you were reading texts about traffic conditions. Post a video to Youtube from an emergency services helicopter of you being placed in an emergency services helicopter. Play retro video-games from a hospital bed. Call the dead, and have them deliver a pizza to anywhere in southwestern Kansas.

Message From Gerhard Weissmuller

In the year 2017, Gerhard Weissmuller claimed that he had successfully created a time-machine, traveled into the past, and returned. He pointed to evidence in the historical record that indicated his presence there, including this statement.

Modern Society

Modern society has brought with it many great advancements. In just 150 years, we've gone from the harsh frontier to a world where greatest threat to our lives is ourselves (and witches). Here are a few of the many jobs that thanks to our development, no longer exist.

Basket Unweaver

Venomous Animal Holder.

Bear Scarer

Newly Discovered Food Tryer

Noose Tester

Computer

Town Bad Example

Dead Prostitute

Being A Tough Guy

Being a tough guy is for the most part, an inborn characteristic. It's almost impossible to become tough, but being thought of as tough is usually just as good. If you want to be seen as tough, then all you have to do is change a few minor aspects of your appearance and demeanor.

First, stop shaving. Tough guys don't care about their looks, they don't need to impress anyone. They're too tough to care.

Second, if you're a tall guy, then that's good. The ideal tough guy is someone so tall that ice forms at their peak. If you're not tall, try to increase your height with a good pair of work-boots. Not combat boots, because they're not practical, and tough guys are always practical, which is why you must also always carry an extensive set of screwdrivers and pens.

Third, tough guys can like whatever they want, because no one would dare question their tastes. So, adopt into your look something peculiar, like a pink hat, a cravat, a backpack in the shape of a bunny, or if you want to really sell the badassness, a gold tiara.

Fourth. Are you wearing jeans? If you are, you're half-way there. Just cut those jeans off at mid-thigh. Tough guys aren't afraid of people seeing their knees.

Fifth, read books. Tough guys aren't just tough for toughness's sake, they're tough because they're strong physically, psychologically and mentally. So increase your brain-thinking with knowledge of stuff and/or things.

Teddy Roosevelt was a tough guy, and when he was asked to shoot a bear, he didn't, because he didn't have to, he killed that bear using the power of his mind, just by outliving it! That's a tough guy.

Axiom

An "axiom" is a statement that is universally agreed upon to be true. But not everyone agrees with that statement, so it isn't. If everyone agreed that an axiom wasn't a universally agreed upon statement, then it would be one.

The Handlebar Moustache

Since the invention of the handlebar mustache (Bell Labs 1941), men (and some forward-thinking women) have used it as a self-identifier of rebellion, strength and dominance over one's biology. During the late '60s, it became popular with motorcycle clubs, where groups of men would gather on their two-wheeled automobiles at pre-chosen locations to discuss literature and world-events.

Today, it is a look most identified with musicians, whose livelihoods demand that any facial fur be restricted to the upper-half of the face, so as not to get caught in microphone grills, guitar-strings, or elaborately ornate drum kits.

Scientists predict that the handlebar mustache's days are numbered, as "mustache wax", a substance one eats in large quantities to promote the growth of under-nose hair, is going to run out soon.

It is predicted that when the ability to procure mustache wax (through deep-sea wax-farming) takes more moustachioed men than the subsequent wax-crop can supply, we will have reached "Peak Mustache Wax", at which point we can expect to see a rush to adopt many new types of facial hair, such as foreheadstaches, ear-dreads and tongue-beards.