COUNTDOWN PEOPLE

I just realized something.

The presidential election is in EIGHT WEEKS.

That's 28 episodes of The Daily Show (given off-weeks and not airing on fridays or weekends).

That's eight saturdays. Four pay-days. Can you handle this?

Is anyone else as terrified as I am?

Transubstantiation

I know what you're thinking: "that pic is kinda hot". Well, sure, but that's not the point. The point it to remind you that the communion wafer is supposed to "transubstantiate" into the body of Christ upon ingestion. This would mean that somewhere between your mouth and your stomach, the communion wafer magically becomes JESUS MEAT. There's a problem with this.

If these communion wafers become the lean-meat-of-the-lord, then they must be Atkins friendly, low-carb protein-rich meat. Yet, bear witness to the holy nutritional information of the covenant.

Yeah, there you have it. No protein, no fat, no calories... because it's not meat. It's bread. Therefore: Christianity is stupid and wrong. Q.E.D. Bitches. I'm out.

The upside, they're vegan-friendly! So eat-up atheists!

Here There Be Dragons

In the medieval era, many maps contained drawings of dragons and other sea serpents in large blank areas. It has been said that this was because, as frightened, superstitious people, they believed that the unknown was dangerous, and so felt compelled to warn against travelling to such places.

Yet people went there.

At some point in our lives, we discover that there is no monster under our beds, or in our closets, or anywhere on our block. As we get older, we learn that there is no monster in nearby towns, adjacent states, or other countries. Gradually, we have banished our monsters into tinier and more distant places.

But we keep looking. Maybe the Large Hadron Collider will find one!

What if those dragons weren't warnings? What if they were wishful thinking? After all, wouldn't it bo cool if there were dragons and other sea-serpents somewhere? If the life of a seaman were not fraught with danger and peril, it would just be scurvy, seasickness and a dearth of pretty girls. But, if there were dragons? Now, that's adventure.

As we've pushed our dragons into tinier and more distant places, they have had to become more interesting. From sentient computers to resurrection viruses, our dragons are adapting, and they will continue to do so. Not because we fear the unknown, but because only in the unknown is there the promise of adventure. So, we create a dragon, dangle it out in the unknown, not to ward people away from there, but to motivate people to journey there, because once they're there, our dragons will become even more interesting.

The next dragons? Who knows. How about Karmic Vampires?

You Should Know About "Zero Punctuation"

Right, so, videogames again. It turns out that there actually is a videogame reviewer that I respect. It took a few years, and a lot of time wasted looking at numbers between 1 and 10. This is his review of The Orange Box, which you're probably too stupid to have played, you moron.



He's called: "Yahtzee Croshaw", which I hope is his given name, because that would be awesome. He's the face, voice, and hat behind "Zero Punctuation", a feature of The Escapist.

Oh, and he doesn't just review games, he also deals with the gamer "culture". Like in this video, in which he vivisects videogame webcomics.

He's not going to tell you what games to buy, since he's in Australia and naturally receives games long after all the decent world. So what is his role? Criticism. Actual, legitimate criticism, of videogames. You might remember that sort of thing if you can think back to what it was like in 1986 when you'd listen to a friend tell you if he liked a game or not. "It's like Rygar!" he'd say, and you'd say: "I hate Rygar!" and you'd know not to play that game.

Rygar sucked.

Crazy Gets A Name! That name is "CRAZYPANTS!"

Nuclear Bombs Are Stupid

Once upon a time a bunch of guys decided to make THE MOST DANGEROUS THING EVER.

It was so dangerous that they didn't even want to give it a name, so they just referred to it by it's first initial, making it "The H-Bomb".

This is what it looks like:

It's stupid.

But, on the plus side, it turns out that they're crazy-hard to make. So, as long as everything goes according to plan, the science behind their creation will remain a secret.

OOPS:
How Nuclear Bombs Work, Check it out Iran!




Also, it turns out that there are Detailed Instructions On How To Make A Nuclear Device ALL OVER THE INTERNET.

Now, maybe it's just me, but I've had recurring nightmares of nuclear devastation, mushroom clouds, fallout shelters, radiation poisoning, and just general nuclear bomb terror all my life. So, naturally, all of this scares the crap out of me. HELP ME, BUSH!

Also centipedes. Seriously, they're just tiny monsters straight from hell with an unholy quantity of legs. FUCK THEM.

Comedy Isn't Funny

There was a time when I didn't care about working on a project that wasn't obviously a comedy. But gradually, I came to realize that comedy was utterly pointless. Why?

Because of STUFF LIKE THIS.



What hope is there for comedy when real life has this?

Proof that the earth is flat.

Featuring this amazing revelation:

Q: "What about the stars, sun and moon and other planets? Are they flat too? What are they made of?"

A: The sun and moon, each 32 miles in diameter, circle Earth at a height of 3000 miles at its equator, located midway between the North Pole and the ice wall. Each functions similar to a "spotlight," with the sun radiating "hot light," the moon "cold light." As they are spotlights, they only give light out over a certain are which explains why some parts of the Earth are dark when others are light. Their apparent rising and setting are caused by optical illusions.

In the "accelerating upwards" model, the stars, sun and moon are also accelerating upwards.

The stars are about as far as San Francisco is from Boston. (3100 miles)

Yeah, that's right. Let that sink in. Now, if you still think that anything you are capable of doing or saying is funnier than this, you're crazier than this guy:

Our Gods

What if people were as large as they were famous? Imagine what that would be like. Celebrities would literally be gods, and as they grew in size, they could be worshiped from farther away, but were less able to relate to the common people. They would be forced to battle against each-other, or form allegiances in order to survive being so huge. My god, imagine their fan-created unofficial websites.

Only In Videogames #2

You might have observed that games represent a world of options that are unavailable to you in real life, and you'd be right. But, you'd be missing the larger point that every option gifted to you by videogames is purchased by selling away reams of basic human capabilities.

Example, Doom gave us AWESOME 3D FPS action with unprecedented freedom and graphical quality, but in order to do this id Software made a bargain with some sort of crossroads daemon who demanded that the player not be allowed to either jump or move his head up or down.

Example #2, Resident Evil presented us with a world in which we can blast rocket-propelled grenades into the gaping maw of a tentacled monstrosity the size of a bus, sending pieces of it flying in every direction the physics system could allow, while containing us within this battlefield with what amounts to a flimsy screen door. Because you can crush a zombies head with your boot, but it would be uncouth to simply shoot-off a door-lock.

Example C: Start ANY GAME, EVER. Now, once you've got control of your character (if you've picked a Metal Gear game, you can get back to this tomorrow), and try to simply LEAVE. The easiest thing to do in a time of crisis is avoid getting involved, and it is the first thing games take away from you.

So, let me be straightforward here. This isn't a condemnation. There doesn't seem to be a way around this problem. But I do ask: What else have we lost? What was taken from us while we were distracted by the OMFG you can shoot their knives out of the air! ARESOME!

Barack Obama, Indecisive!

In this recent interview, Barack Obama is asked what superhero he'd be, and his answer?

Quote: "I was always into the Spider-Man/Batman model."

Pick a side, Obama. Marvel or DC.

This guy?


Or this guy?


Warning: The only way to win this game, is to not play.

Jason Statham Never Dies

What was the name of Jason Statham's character in The Transporter? What about Crank? What about Death Race?

The correct answer is "Who Cares". (I also would have accepted "Who Cares Johnson" or "Who Cares Esq.")

The reason it doesn't matter is that no matter what the character's name, Jason Statham plays Jason Statham, and Jason Statham is actually the characters he plays.

You see, Jason Statham was born in the distant past, and is an immortal (quite possibly of the same type featured in Highlander). At first, he was known as "Farmer", but when his village was threatened, he teamed up with Matthew Lillard and defeated the evil King Burt Reynolds, restoring peace to the land.

Unfortunately, nothing interesting happened to him for a number of centuries. But, eventually, he got involved with the Chick From Deep Blue Sea, who drew him into a bank robbery plot - so that she could set him up. Things got pretty hairy for him then, so he changed his name to "Bacon" and got involved in London's criminal underworld, where he spent a few years getting involved in various misadventures under a series of pseudonyms.

Around this time, a second Jason Statham, known as "Evan Funsch" traversed the barriers between parallel worlds and got involved in the criminal underworld of L.A.. He ended up getting shot and decided that it would be smart to have an "in" with the law, so he joined the police force.

Meanwhile, Jason Statham I moved to mainland Europe and started a career as a wheelman, transporting things for anybody who could afford his fees. He becomes a big CSI: Miami fan, and figures that Miami is the place to be, so he moves there.

Jason Statham II, Evan Funsch had a tricky time in Vancouver, so he moved back to L.A. to become a video game programmer. Unfortunately, there were no game programmer positions available, so he became a hitman and got poisoned by this Chinese guy. Luckily, Jason Statham II is just as immortal as Jason Statham I, so he doesn't die. Though, his "Immortal Heart" gets stolen from him, and he's forced to get it back or something probably.

Statham I figures it would be cool to be in the FBI, so he joins-up, but he gets shot in the back, which totally sucks even when you're immortal, so he goes back to France and restarts his wheelman job.

Next year, Jason Statham I gets involved in a heist in South America.

After this, a few decades will pass before the two Jason Stathams get in trouble again. Statham I will be ensnared in a Death Race, and Statham II will end up working as a "Chief Transportation Expert" on Mars, before getting killed by martian zombie headbangers, when they seperate his head from his neck, releasing his quickening.

Luckily, our universe will still have Jason Statham I, who will live for millenia to come, and who will hold The Scion Of Peace at the final meeting of the Council Of Galactic Powers, heralding the coming Age Of Gold, when all will become one, and one will become all.

Long live Statham.

Invisible Puppies

Sure, you can't see them, but they're there. They're everywhere. Invisible puppies. Scampering about, silently frolicking this way and that. Little bundles of adorable everywhere you (can't) look. There's one behind you right now.

Isn't is comforting to know that there are invisible puppies everywhere? Doesn't that warm your heart? Even though you can't see, hear or touch them, isn't it nice to know they're there?

Only In Videogames

Last night, on a whim, I decided to replay Silent Hill 2 instead of sleep. In this game your avatar often finds himself in rooms filled with mutilated corpses, bizarre inscriptions carved into walls made of unrecognizable materials, and a whole bunch of creepy paintings. Yet, the most common comment this guy makes is "There's nothing interesting here."
Clearly, this public restroom is very unhelpful, but referring to it as "uninteresting" seems to me to be quite insane.

I think we should replace these types of messages with more appropriate responses. E.G. "OMG WTF ZOMBIES GTFO!"